


of course

by heavenbreak



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dorms, Fake Character Death, M/M, Post-Canon, Running Away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-24 20:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17107217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenbreak/pseuds/heavenbreak
Summary: “your parents are crazy,” was all that todd could say, making an endeavor to avoid looking at his reanimated dorm mate in the eye.“please don’t tell me you believed i was dead.” neil whispered, feigning hurt.---------------in which neil faked his own death in his parents' favor, and before he leaves to transfer to a military school, he decides to pay his best friend a visit.





	1. confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “it’s an oddly dramatic exit.”  
> “i’m serious, todd. people hated mr. keating, and my mother and father hate him a lot more. that’s what this is all about. my parents couldn’t care less if i faked my own death.” todd didn’t seem to hear the next bit, neil speaking so lowly he practically whispered it, “and, we’re leaving today.”  
> \-------  
> in which neil explains a lot of things when he pays his friend a visit.

“they said you were  _dead_.” voice disbelieving, todd’s lips turned tight with bitterness taking hold of his throat. neil brought on with no hesitation, with arms folding above the windowsill and hoisting himself inside what would have been his and todd’s dorm had his father not force him to transfer from hellton academy. neil was dressed in a strangely baggy sweater, hardly anything else underneath, and a pair of shorts. one would think that he had gone mad judging solely from his attire. after a while of panting, exhausted from climbing up walls all night, neil croaked.

“well, after my hopes and dreams were crushed so deliberately, it would be very difficult to believe i’m even living.”

“we all thought you were dead.” todd repeated, “we  _believed_  you were dead.”

“and  _i_  thought my parents were dumb enough to do so poorly of a job to cover up one of my failures by making the entire school think i killed myself. could you believe that? i don’t even know how they’re supposed to go about this.” neil laughed, as if it were nothing. he didn’t come here to vent out all his frustrations, no. “it’s borderline conspiracy— i think it’s all an effort to get rid of captain keating.”

“your parents are crazy.” was all that todd could say, making an endeavor to avoid looking at his reanimated dorm mate in the eye. neil was relieved at how todd pointedly mentioned his parents, and not neil himself for implying there even was a conspiracy. nobody would believe him. when he heard from his parents that keating was finally removed from the teaching staff, it all made sense.

“please don’t tell me  _you_  believed i was dead.” neil said softly, feigning hurt.

“…i didn’t, at first. i told them all you couldn’t have done it. you loved living.” todd eyed at the makeshift shrine constructed by the formerly dead poets society, propped on formerly neil’s bed, candles now blown out and flowers wilting. the poems they wrote dangled on pieces of tape, the adhesive weakened by the passage of time.  _and you loved your friends._

“i really, really did. now, i just miss it.”

“maybe it’s not all over, you see,” todd sat up properly this time, facing neil and looking him in the eyes for the first time in the weeks they thought he was truly gone. neil stared back in anticipation. “you’re a real, true, dead poet, now. in the flesh.”

neil laughed, now also for the first time in the weeks he thought he’d never dare come back. this wasn’t as planned a decision as one would think— he woke up in cold sweat and all he thought of was todd, and this empty room, here in welton academy. he then decided to make a run for it. why had he wanted to come here? he wouldn’t know. perhaps it was a reason of guilt, or a plead for help.

“do you hate me? for what had transpired,” neil asked, a sincere question. he hadn’t thought of the consequences of coming here completely through, of how todd would react.

“why did you die?” was todd’s equally insincere question. if neil hadn’t known todd so well, he’d think he was finally angry. “what was the purpose of this all— why make us grieve?”

there was real hurt underlining todd’s words; neil wanted to do nothing more than reach out and touch him, comfort him— tell him he doesn’t have to grieve, because he is alive after all. neil truly wanted to do nothing more, but he held it back, his more rational of thoughts telling him that it would not be very smart to do so.

todd was still grieving the loss of his best friend, and though neil wasn’t truly  _lost_ , he felt too inadequate to fill that gap in again. he’s not the same neil that held the dead poets society meetings, the same neil who egged todd into joining— from that night in the theatre, he wasn’t the neil who played puck and did a damn good job at it.

he was the neil that was pulled by the arm away from his life and the things that made him happy, the neil that was shoved into his father’s car listening to him talk about  _acting_  and how it isn’t a real job, the neil that faked his own death, had his friends and the whole school hold his own fake funeral.

“they’re going to move me away, todd. they’re sending me to military school, across the country. they didn’t want anyone at welton to think they chickened out on their program. and it seems like it was a great distraction from mr. keating’s release— or, a pointed alibi, somehow.”

“it’s an oddly dramatic exit.”

“i’m serious, todd. people hated mr. keating, and my mother and father hate him a lot more. that’s what this is all about. my parents couldn’t care less if i faked my own death.” todd didn’t seem to hear the next bit, neil speaking so lowly he practically whispered it, “ _and, we’re leaving today._ ”

“your parents really went through all that trouble?” it’s almost as if todd had forgotten the day they were interrogated, locked away in the deepest corners of his mind. how the papers all stated it was keating’s fault. todd insisted that his father was just a crazy, foolish man. they’d apparently received the worst ends of both worlds. at least, even neil is certain it wasn’t keating’s fault.

“ah, well. the very cancer of our little society is the fear of confrontation.” he mentally beat up the word ‘irony’ with a barbed bat.

“maybe that’s why you’re so special.” neil bit the inside of his cheek at that. todd didn’t say anything more, just sat at the edge of his bed, enjoying the presence of his friend. he was rather glad neil didn’t come out to reunite with everyone, just them here. for unspecified reasons, of course. he wouldn’t dare admit it, but neil’s (albeit fake) death changed something in him.

he had wanted to honor neil, act not in just the way neil wanted, but act the way todd himself would, but braver. it had been hard, but the moment mr. keating left he saw a lot of wrong in the world, and he saw himself fixing it. a rather strange development for someone who’s lost his two favorite people.

neil cleared his throat, joining todd on the bed, hands almost brushing. it’s best to tell him.  _the very cancer of our little society is the fear of confrontation_ , he said, but he’s found out now that he’s a hypocrite. what’s the use of whispering it if todd doesn’t hear?

“todd,”

“yes?”

“we’re— we’re leaving today.” repeating it, his voice cracked, choking in the tears that threaten to pour from his eyes.

“well, i… i hope you have a safe travel.” todd bit back, air chilling. todd couldn’t acknowledge it for himself, he’d rather not. “y-you should really get back, it’s a sucker to be late, you know?”

neil could sense that something is wrong with the boy, so he swallowed down the pride that would’ve come in response to todd’s sudden shift in behavior. prodding gently, with firmer whispers, “no, you see, i’d rather not leave.”

“well, i don’t see any other option.”  _whose side are you on?_  “—sorry, no. i just. i don’t know what to say.” dear todd, who always had words for everything when his mind came to it, except now, even if he pushed, nothing seemed to touch his teeth.

“i mean, if all falls into the wicked plan, maybe just spend my last moments with me.” neil would think todd shouldn’t question it. meeting again with the rest of their group would rise a bit of hell at welton, and maybe it’s not worth making a bigger fuss about.

 “just me?”

“of course.” there was no hesitation from the tired ghost of a boy.

todd never saw why he’s so special to neil’s eyes. he’s quiet, never has anything to say, and never had anything going on. the first and only time he stood up for himself was to take neil’s place in the havoc his pseudo-death left at welton academy. he was only ever good at following and listening, the perfect disciple.

what todd didn’t know was neil didn’t have to dig so deeply to find the boy so striking. though he never spoke, todd always seemed to know the right words to say. when neil wanted to help him, it wasn’t to  _fix_  him. neil couldn’t care less if he was quiet. he just wanted todd to know that his words were appreciated and loved, and the boy himself was poetry. beautiful, captivating poetry.

he saw something in todd, things he never saw in himself. perhaps todd saw in himself what his parents saw in their own son. neil wanted that to change— neil wanted him to see how truly wonderful he could be, from his own perspective. the perspective that matters most, where neil is utterly and hopelessly in love with him. maybe if todd looked through neil’s angle, he could understand.

“sorry i said that. i just... i really don’t want you to leave, okay? this is— don’t leave. i wish it never had to come to this.” todd said suddenly, tearing neil away from his train of thought. “god, i  _hate_  the world.”

“you shouldn’t hate the world; it’s got you in it.”

“i hate  _you_.” he was smiling now, a sight that neil would not mind seeing over and over again, but this was a sad smile that crushed his heart to pieces, a flurry of emotions fluttering in his chest like daggers.

“okay, that’s fair.”

it seemed like ages before the sun came up, the two boys watching the red star rise over the horizon, but if todd ever looks back on this moment, it would pass rather quickly. however, this morning would still seem unbelievably beautiful, regardless— and sad. very sad. “morose,” todd said to himself out loud, and out of the corner of his eye, neil nodded.

“before i go, can i tell you something?” just one last thing, before neil parts with his dearest friend forever.

“of course.”

a few more words were exchanged, just as the sun turned from red to yellow, painting the room with a soft, and golden glow. these words were very secret, so sacred to the unfolding of each of the boys’ lives before them that these words should only stand between them only. so, todd didn’t shed a single tear when neil climbed over the window back outside the building, before welton academy starts its extremely ordinary morning— but as he left his room to start breakfast with his other friends, his lips started to quiver and the boy unraveled into broken sobs. todd didn’t seem to hear anything else but the disembodied voice of meeks saying, “he had one of those nightmares again.”

todd couldn’t help but think how he did just as terribly in this encounter than any other, just went ahead to let go of neil like that, instead of persist, like how neil would need in times like these.

neil arrived home before his parents woke up. his luggage was already propped against the bed frame, containing books, and poems, a few clothes, and nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is @bimnoodles =)


	2. juveniles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “can you imagine spending the rest of your youth in this hellhole?”  
> “neil.” todd said in a warning tone, as if already sensing what neil was about to ask of him. “you shouldn’t try to convince me that.”  
> \--------  
> in which neil has a plan.

“ _i love you._ ”

 _i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you,_ the three words replayed in his brain like a broken record, voice damp as if it were submerged underwater. todd couldn’t breathe— could not bear to reflect on it until he sat down the breakfast table; bacon and eggs then suddenly tasted like shit to him.

his mind tracked backwards, despite his choking on his sobs and the hot tears pouring down his face were as much as he can sense at the moment, “ _before i go, can i tell you something?_ ” the neil from his memories whispered solemnly into his ear, “ _of course,_ ” he answered.

and the words seem all jumbled up to him, as of that time, he then only feels the ghost of neil’s lips brushing the corner of his mouth (a kiss farewell), ever too fleeting. then his vision cleared, neil hopping on over the windowsill.

todd was a mess.

after he got himself cleaned up, he got reprimanded by nolan for causing a scene. the administration dismissed him from all his class attendances, letting him stay at his dorm for the whole day and ride out the ‘fever’. he didn’t like it one bit— being alone in there, even if it did help him collect his thoughts. he sat and waited, and waited, for nothing it seems.

“ _don’t go,_ ” his own voice in his mind echoed still; he pressed his palms to his eyes until he could see stars and all were numb. it had become almost unbearable. he counted the minutes away writing poems in his head.

 

 _reborn like new,_  
but his face had seemingly aged,  
you guess it came with the wear and tear  
from the unexpected destinies  
hurled towards breaking such beautiful things,  
_and yet you’re the one mewling_  
 like an infant. 

 

* * *

 

neil had a plan, more or less. it was a decision as impulsive and reckless as actually killing himself the night his parents had convinced him to fake into doing. it involved packing more clothes than he had in his luggage, more books and more poetry, then making a detour to welton academy. but todd would be in class.

neil bit his lip. could this work out? the optimism he formerly harbored began to fill up the forgotten recesses of his thoughts and he’d hoped that it would. this would work. todd would help him. maybe they wouldn’t have to _hide_ anymore. all they did was hide. hide from their parents, hide from the school, hide from each other, and it was nauseating. neil took a coat this time and a proper pair of pants.

 

* * *

 

“todd,” neil let the name slip from him more like an exclamation than calling for his friend’s attention. it was like de ja vu, coming back through the same way. it felt like neil could be overstepping his boundaries a bit now, but todd never really seemed to mind. “i thought you’d be in class.”

“neil,” the man seemed to have return as quickly as he had gone. todd’s lips had opened, but nothing came, so he clamped them shut again. after the few seconds that felt like minutes, he finally regained the composure to speak, “i-i thought you were leaving.”

“you didn’t come to class?”

“i’m _sick_.” he lied. “ i thought you were leaving.” he repeated pointedly, sounding annoyed, but neil knew he’s just surprised.

“well, you see, i’m running away—”

“are you… really?” todd said in middle of the other’s sentence, almost scoffing at the notion of such a thing could become a possibility. he would always support neil’s course of action, always, but neil perceived when todd stayed in his little box he tends to put others in his shoes and give the advice he thought he would need for himself.

“—and it’s not going to be easy.” neil finished.

“well, duh! you’re really running away?”

“i’m trapped _,_ ” he said, exasperated— remembering his talk with mr. keating not long before he was terminated.  “i’m trapped and i have nowhere else to turn to.”

“the police?” neil flinched at the suggestion. he strongly felt that doing so would not work in their favor. “what?”

“nothing illegal is happening, in actuality, that would be useless.”

“oh. right, i’m sorry.”

“don’t be. i was thinking you could help me.”

“no, neil. i’m really, truly sorry that i can’t help you,” todd insisted, hands clenching at the blankets bunched up on his lap. “that’s not a job for me, i could easily… i could easily _fail_ you. why don’t you ask anyone else that’s capable? _nuwanda_?” neil shook his head. “literally, anyone else.” i want you to find your happiness, but i'm afraid i won't be the one to give that to you.

“todd,” neil replied, bursting through something off-topic, “how much do you like it here?”

“not any more than the others, why?” todd thought of the days that followed mr. keating’s termination. all of his interests in his academics had flown out the window, like the world’s first, unmanned flying desk set. the hours had drawn out longer, and nobody seemed to be on their side anymore. it was climbing up a wall that had limitless height.

“can you imagine spending the rest of your youth in this hellhole?”

“neil.” todd said in a warning tone, as if already sensing what neil was about to ask of him. “you shouldn’t try to convince me that.”

“convince you… you’re right,” neil answered, losing the care to play dumb and not thinking twice of it. maybe he’d just been desperate. maybe he doesn’t really want todd to run away with him to bumfuck nowhere; maybe he’d been thirsting, coveting the idea of release. “i should just…” he trailed off, not knowing what he should just. excuses, excuses.

the thing is, todd would have been so willing and eager to agree. not too long ago, he dreamt of rebellion. he dreamt of dropping out, living vicariously through his writing— show to the world and especially to his parents that his self-worth isn’t measured by what they make it out to be. but that was only among the many realities that existed far above this one. he would finish his schooling, attend princeton, graduate, and become a renowned writer. his chances seemed to get slimmer and slimmer further down the line, so he couldn’t risk _now_.

“you’re right. i don’t know _why_ i thought of running away.” neil said again. “i’m just making a big mistake.”

“your parents drove you mad.” _perhaps._

“my parents are the mad ones, todd.” neil sighed.

“i really wish you could stay.” _i love you,_ the phrase repeated in todd’s mind still.

“i know, but i can’t.” _i love you._

“then, i really wish i could come with you.” _i love you._

“why don’t you?” _i love you._

“i don’t know.” _i love you._ “have you ever thought this through? i haven’t heard of anyone doing it before. it could go very very wrong in a matter of seconds. we’re very young, juveniles; we’d never know what to do.”

neil paused. the curtains behind him fluttered gently in the wind. todd’s lips were pursed, and he thought to the moment earlier where his own had almost met them. he wondered if todd had already forgotten about it, otherwise how he hadn’t violently rejected him the moment they saw each other again. his heart pounded in his ears like beats of a drum, void of all hope but filled with it at the same time— he’d once lived for the extremities but now he couldn’t stand it.

moments like these refused to reveal themselves to neil which side had the upper ground. he was tired of feeling like he’d been ensnared into a hole in the ground that stretched for miles and miles, down to the core of the earth, and he had yet to claw his way out. in moments like these, he’d gravitate back to todd somehow, like maybe neil thought _he_ was the solution to his every problem.

maybe he should rid of that thought. todd was his friend.

now, it was todd’s turn to stand. he tentatively rose his hands to neil’s shoulders, movement languid, the puffiness of todd’s eyes becoming evident as it were outlined by the red flush of his skin. neil did not bother wasting his time stilling against the hold, so he took a deep breath.

(maybe he wasn’t thinking that. maybe he just wanted todd to still be a part of his life, for once.)

“okay, _maybe_ i’ll think it through,” neil took a hasty step forward, resting his forehead on his friend’s shoulder. they stood like this, swaying for a while, “better yet, find a place to stay, just somewhere my parents won’t bother looking for me. i’ve just managed to cheat death today, and the stakes are high.”

“for the second time, might i add.” the pair sauntered into a more relaxed air, grinning to themselves despite the distress dangling at the back of their skulls.

“could be a solid third time.” neil replied cooly, still holding todd in a warm embrace. he missed this, damned if he’d never admit it, he did. the two pulled away, then, almost reluctantly. though not much skin touched, the air they’ve breached into post-contact felt like ice, too chilling, too empty.

 “you could always stay here. it’s your bed, after all.” neil found it strange, how the shrine seemed to be cleared off of it, now discarded somewhere at the bottom of an open dresser. the only reason he could think of was maybe it’s not needed now that he’s alive after all. he kept note of the poetry that was once there, wondered if he could keep it.

“and the others?” neil glances at their door warily, though everyone should be just about finishing another period before lunch.

“we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, not the end. might reformat the whole thing if i ever finish this??  
> anyways. comments give me motivation definitely comment if you want more...  
> yell at me on my tumblr @bimnoodles


End file.
